Oh boy—here we go.
As I have heard many Black women say in one way or another, that the “pickings are slim” as they refer to the availability of Black men that would be deemed suitable as a partner prospect, whether for marriage or long-term partnership. The conversations about interest in commitment, educational attainment, income producing comparable to the woman’s income, and other intangibles on the part of Black men have many Black women contemplating what they should do if they want a significant other. Thus, the consideration of exploring partners outside the Black community continues to gain some level of momentum.
Well, let’s look at this.
Although we have read the statistics that Black men marry and build families with Black women far more than with non-Black women, Black women apparently surpass Black men in terms of greater likelihood not to marry outside their race. Many will read into this as to say that the level of loyalty to the Black race is far more likely to be upheld by Black women than Black men.
It seems one can draw a variety of conclusions from these trends and statistics, but you’re not going to marry a statistic or date a trend, so it truly boils down to what do you want to do?
Let’s look at a few pillars of importance:
- Value System: This means what is truly important to you and why? Is it more important to be with someone that loves you unconditionally and has your best interest or is it important that the person is of the same race that hopefully embodies many of the things that make a relationship successful over time?
- Family: This is not referring to you and your special person starting a family, but rather the extended family connected to your person. How many times have we heard someone seemingly only focusing on the person that they want to be with and have little to no information about their family. This is HUGE and should not be overlooked. The person that you are with in this example is not Black. And though that person fully loves and accepts you for who you are and your background, the family may not be as embracing of the idea. I have seen this and heard about it (I would not know this personally because I ONLY date and consider Black women). But for those who do or considering the pivot, take note.
I personally think that we can all get our needs met within our community. Should you prefer to be open to all races, more power to you. But I hope it isn’t because you perceive the land of Black men are scarce. It is my strong opinion that if we all do the work to address our own personal baggage, get into therapy or support group that addresses dating challenges. I don’t know you, but I assure you that your dating missteps aren’t the byproduct of the other person exclusively. Many of us pick the wrong person, stay too long with the wrong person, and refuse to recalibrate our selection approach. There are many great Black men right around you, but you dismiss them for one reason or another. But you live in the same community, you know each other and each other’s families as well. Maybe they dated one of your friends years ago and you’ve considered them off limits. Well, if you think about it, if you are all from the same community, it is likely to happen that someone you dealt with before will cross paths with another person who you both mutually know.
Moreover, if you haven’t addressed things within yourself that may serve as impediments to relationship success, it’s not like you can just change the race and all is well. People of the non-Black community will not tolerate your unresolved challenges for long either.
So should you date outside your race? I think the better question to ask is the perfect person for you showed up today, would that person—regardless of race—feel lucky to be with you? And if you cannot answer that with confidence, it may be time to go back to the drawing board.
