Fontana, CA — So—you want to find the right person for you.
It’s all about finding the right person and being the right person, correct?
This HAS to be the case since we know the billions of dollars spent on dating, online dating services, and, for some with more significant discretionary income, match-making services. Thus, the investment made would absolutely suggest that there’s a huge intentional focus on finding the right one and riding off into the sunset.
Right?
I’m not entirely sure about that. We say one thing and seemingly do another. Let me explain.
There is a huge representation of people who are far more fascinated with the dating process than with finding the one.
For many of us—but not everyone, of course—we date reasonably frequently, and I’d say we probably go out with a new prospect 2-3 times a month. This is a high number, and for some, this is much smaller. But if you fall into the category of being average to above average in physical appearance, have a decent job and career, and are unmarried and not committed to seeing someone exclusively, you can relate to this.
Let’s start with the guys first.
- Men far outpace women when financing the dating experience. It’s not even close—even though there is an uptick in women investing financially in the dating process. But back to men, I want to discuss what men do to seek a partner and what he does to make it happen. But before I do, I want to state that this discussion does not apply to men and women who could care less about finding commitment. For the sake of this discussion, we are homing in on removing themselves from the dating scene and finding the person that may ultimately lead to marriage.
- Not only are men financing the initial date, but in many cases, they must select a first suitable date location. In this case, ‘suitable” is inferred to mean that it can’t just be any basic outing, especially if it’s a restaurant. I’m not going to call out any brand names for reference, but clearly, it’s more likely than not that the guy will spend more money to find a more perceived quality dining experience than what he might do for himself. I think we can agree on that, for the most part.
- Little to no results that equate to the desired end goal. One friend of mine told me that he went on a first date, and it appeared they had a great time. It was so great that because he had driven far to meet her and it was very late, she offered for him to crash on her couch downstairs. She offered it to him as they stopped at a convenience store to grab an energy drink because he struggled with being alert due to fatigue—a lovely gesture by the woman. Nevertheless, after he had rested, he got up to leave, and she reminded him to grab his energy drink from the refrigerator. He did, and he saw several leftover containers from various high-end restaurants. He gathered that she could dine nicely simply by availing herself of first dates. Many men feel used and in many ways many men feel like they are more of a meal ticket than a person of true authentic interest, and their value is limited to their financial capability and dining choices. Women—you don’t believe me? Ask your male friends their thoughts on the matter.
I know of another person who was matched up with someone via a matchmaker. Both people were open to connecting and sought to find their soulmate and get married. They went out and had a fantastic time, but unlike regular conventional dating, since they went through a matchmaker, the process differed slightly. Although they both wanted to see each other again, a second date would ensue after they both completed formal evaluation forms detailing different aspects of the date (matchmakers often use evaluation forms to measure client satisfaction and to protect themselves legally). This process was transparent, whereby each person could read the other’s evaluation form.
A sample of some of the questions were as follows:
Were you attracted to your date? Did their pictures match what you experienced in person?
How would you rate the conversation? Did you feel there was chemistry? Would you say this person is exactly what you seek? Would you like to see this person again? How would you rank your level of satisfaction?
Then, there was an opportunity to share personal thoughts on the date. The client could say and share whatever they wanted to without being limited to a preconceived question. But before I share with you the response of the female client, you should know that the answers to all the questions in the evaluation form were high marks, and she said that the guy was her perfect match.
Nevertheless, when allowed to share her thoughts freely, she commented, “Please match me with more men like this!”
The message in this article is to challenge the men and women (especially the women, who seem to be far more proactive and concerned about relationship commitment) that if you genuinely want to be in a committed relationship, you have got to lose the desire and fascination with recreational dating. This means that it will be vital for you to be clear in your mind and soul about what you truly want—and avoid people who are not in the same headspace as you.
Otherwise you will remain on the hamster wheel of dating, and for many of you, that’s what you really want anyway.
About the Author:
Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.
