Fontana, CA — Dating today is daunting, especially when dating for marriage. Whether it’s romantic dreams or the hope of building a life with a soulmate, each date carries a weight of expectation—which can lead to the dreaded nightmare first date experience. But what exactly makes a date go off the rails, and how can we turn these mishaps into learning moments?
Let me tell you about a personal nightmare date. It was over 20 years ago, shortly after my seven-year marriage had ended. I wasn’t actively searching for another lifelong partner but was open to a meaningful connection. I met this woman at a First Fridays event—smart, charming, and intriguing. We arranged to meet at a swanky hotel bar for happy hour, and I arrived genuinely excited. When she arrived, she looked amazing, and for a few moments, it seemed like the stars were aligning for a great evening.
But as the conversation deepened, she began probing with personal questions.
“So, have you ever been married?”
“Yes, I’m divorced,” I answered, remaining calm and open.
“Any kids?” she continued, her eyes sharp with interest.
“Yes, I have two,” I said.
Then came the zinger. “Do you take care of them?”
In that instant, my heart dropped. Why would she even ask that? Her tone felt judgmental, even condescending as if my status as a caring father were somehow in doubt. I calmly explained that I share custody and am deeply involved in my children’s lives. However, as I attempted to convey my commitment, she recoiled, saying, “Oh my God—I must go. I can’t do this,” and then she left, just like that.
It was as if my honesty had scared her away.
This experience made me reflect on what we bring to each date and how our assumptions can lead to a potentially good experience. While we can all laugh or cringe at stories like these, it’s crucial to remember that dating mishaps are part of the journey, not a reason to give up. After all, no one needs a thousand successful dates—just one meaningful connection.
So, if you’re dating for marriage, here are some insights to keep you grounded and hopeful:
- See Each Date as a Steppingstone
Not every date will lead to something lasting, and that’s okay. It is the process of elimination: each experience helps clarify what you want and need in a partner. You should approach each date with a sense of exploration rather than expectation and remember that every misstep brings you closer to the right person. - Bring Your Best Self—Every Time
Go into each date with optimism and authenticity. Even if you’ve experienced dating disappointments, don’t carry baggage into each new encounter. Remind yourself that your future partner is out there, and they deserve to meet the real you—not a version clouded by past hurts. There is no need to dwell on societal stats about marriage or dating imbalances; those numbers don’t define your unique journey. - Do the Inner Work First
Before committing to dating for marriage, have you done the emotional work needed to heal from past relationships? Have you unpacked the pain and lessons from prior experiences? This doesn’t mean perfection but rather self-awareness. Entering the dating scene with a clear, healthy mindset will attract a partner who is also emotionally prepared for commitment. - Learn to Let Go Gracefully
Sometimes, a date may reveal red flags or feel off. In those moments, maintain grace and move on. Resist the urge to dwell on what went wrong or to label yourself (or your date) as “bad” or “unfit.” The sooner you can brush off the wrong dates, the sooner you can prepare yourself mentally for the next great one. - Stay Courteous, Even When the Vibe Isn’t Right, so respond kindly, even if a date feels dismissive, judgmental, or rude. But remember: how you conduct yourself is a reflection of your character, not theirs. Stay polite, stay centered, and keep your focus on your ultimate goal. After all, marriage is about partnership, resilience, and respect—qualities that begin with how you handle challenging encounters.
- Celebrate Your Progress
Whether or not you’ve met your person, you’re on your path by putting yourself out there. Dating for marriage requires courage and resilience. Remind yourself that each encounter, even the difficult ones, is a part of your growth. You’re acting like your best version, which is worth celebrating.
Remember, dating is not about changing yourself to meet someone else’s experiences. Instead, it’s about identifying who you are and finding a partner who loves that authentic version of you. The journey may have its ups and downs, but each step brings you closer to the partnership you’ve been for. So, keep the faith, hold onto hope, and keep showing up as the incredible, unique person you are—because that’s precisely what your future partner is looking for.
About the Author:
Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.
