OK—let’s start the debate.
Should you consider dating multiple people at the same time OR just focus on one person at a time?
Let’s dive in.
The question of whether to date multiple people at once or one at a time is nuanced and depends on individual preferences, relationship goals, and cultural context. The topic has been widely discussed in both mainstream and specialized relationship research, and its complexity is influenced by factors like personality, cultural norms, and gender dynamics. In the context of the Black community, where some individuals express concerns about the imbalance between men and women, this issue takes on additional significance.
General Research on Dating Multiple People vs. One at a Time
- Dating Multiple People (Non-Exclusive Dating):
Pros include Variety and exploration: Dating multiple people allows individuals to explore different connections, assess compatibility with various people, and avoid putting all emotional energy into one potential partner too soon.
Increased opportunities: Having multiple options can increase the chances of finding a compatible partner, as it gives a broader view of potential relationships.
Reduced pressure: Non-exclusive dating can reduce the pressure to settle down with someone quickly, allowing individuals to take their time in finding the right match.
While the Cons may include Emotional strain: Managing multiple relationships can be emotionally taxing, especially if feelings start to deepen for one or more people.
Lack of clarity: Multiple dating partners may lead to confusion about relationship expectations and potential conflicts if the terms are not communicated clearly.
Trust issues: In the absence of exclusivity, there can be issues around jealousy, miscommunication, and differing expectations of fidelity.
- Dating One Person (Exclusive Dating):
Pros include Deep connection: Focusing on one person can lead to a deeper emotional bond, allowing for greater intimacy and stronger relationship development.
Clear expectations: Exclusivity tends to make relationship expectations clearer, reducing misunderstandings about commitment and intentions.
Stability and security: Being in an exclusive relationship may provide a sense of emotional stability and security, fostering trust between partners.
Cons could include Limited options: Focusing on one person limits the opportunity to meet other potential matches, which could be seen as a disadvantage, especially in situations where compatibility is uncertain.
Pressure and commitment: The pressure to invest fully in one person too soon might lead to rushed decisions or premature commitments that aren’t in line with one’s long-term goals.
The Black Community Context: “Pickings Are Slim”
In the Black community, there is often a perception that the gender imbalance (i.e., fewer Black men than Black women) impacts dating dynamics. Studies suggest that Black women are more likely to face challenges in the dating market, particularly because of demographic and socioeconomic factors.
Demographic Imbalance: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Black men, on average, have higher mortality rates, incarceration rates, and lower marriage rates compared to Black women. These factors contribute to the perception that Black women have fewer eligible Black men to date. This perceived imbalance can lead to frustration, as many women feel like their dating pool is smaller and thus may adopt strategies like dating multiple people to increase their chances of finding a partner.
Pressure and Expectations: Black women are sometimes subject to societal pressures, including expectations to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient, which may affect how they approach dating. At the same time, they may feel the need to “settle down” or find a stable partner more urgently, especially in a cultural context where family and community ties are often emphasized.
“Pickings Are Slim” Narrative: The sentiment that the dating pool is limited for Black women is often discussed in the context of racial and economic factors. For instance, some women may feel that their ideal partner (a Black man) is less likely to be available due to factors such as socioeconomic status, incarceration, or geographic location. In this context, dating multiple people might be seen to mitigate the frustration that comes with feeling like good options are scarce.
Research and Perspectives on Dating in the Black Community
- Black Women and Dating Preferences:
Studies show that Black women often express a preference for dating within their own racial group, but they face unique barriers, including the demographic imbalances. A 2017 study by sociologist Dr. Tiara R. McNeill found that Black women are often faced with the tension of balancing traditional desires for Black male partners while also having to confront the realities of lower marriage rates and higher rates of incarceration among Black men.
A report from the Pew Research Center in 2019 found that Black women were more likely to experience challenges related to marriage and relationships, with many reporting feeling like the dating pool is smaller. In some cases, this drives Black women to either date across racial lines or open themselves to dating multiple people at once.
- Cultural Impact of the “Pickings Are Slim” Narrative:
The phrase “pickings are slim” reflects the reality that Black women may feel forced to broaden their criteria or explore dating multiple people to increase their chances of finding a compatible partner. Some Black women in the dating market feel that exclusive, one-at-a-time dating doesn’t fit their current needs, given the perceived lack of options within their racial group. This is especially true when Black men are underrepresented in certain geographical areas, or when women are facing societal pressures to find stability in a partnership.
- Community and Social Expectations:
The Black community places significant value on family and kinship, which can shape how dating and relationships are viewed. For Black women, there is often an emphasis on finding a partner who not only fits well on a personal level but also aligns with broader community expectations. This can make exclusive dating feel like a weighty decision, and for some, the desire to date multiple people may come from a place of wanting to explore more options before committing to someone who fits their idea of family and cultural ideals.
Conclusion
Whether dating multiple people at once or one at a time is the best approach depends largely on individual goals and the specific dating context. From a psychological standpoint, dating multiple people can allow for more exploration and less emotional investment too soon, which can be appealing for people who are uncertain about long-term compatibility. However, managing multiple relationships can also lead to confusion and emotional strain if expectations are not communicated clearly.
For Black women, who may feel that the dating pool is smaller due to demographic factors, dating multiple people may be a way to mitigate frustration and increase their chances of finding a suitable partner. However, this strategy also requires navigating societal expectations, emotional needs, and potential challenges with clarity, trust, and communication.
Ultimately, both approaching multiple people or dating one person at a time—have their pros and cons, and the best choice depends on personal preferences, the cultural and societal context, and individual relationship goals.
About the Author:
Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.
