Fontana, CA — Dating can be intimidating, especially when looking for something serious, like marriage. If you’ve ever been on a date and felt like you were walking a tightrope between impressing someone and being yourself, you’re not alone. Let’s rewind to high school, where even the act of calling a girl that I liked felt like climbing Mount Everest with my bare hands!
I remember nervously tearing off the corner of my homework paper to get her number. Back then, there were no cell phones—just nerves and scribbled numbers on thin paper scraps. Calling her meant I had to prepare; the fear of awkward silence on the phone was enough to send me into a planning frenzy. I scripted entire conversations or, at the very least, made bullet points. Silly? Maybe, but it worked every time. Once we found our rhythm, the notes weren’t necessary, and suddenly, I was no longer terrified of “phone silence.”
Fast-forward to 2024, and you might not need a cheat sheet anymore, but there are still strategies to ensure a first date leads to something more if marriage is your ultimate goal. Here’s how to make your first date not just successful but unforgettable.
- MEN, Be a Gentleman—and Pay
If you asked her out, take full responsibility for the date. When I say full, I mean everything: the meal, the drinks, the activities. Leave zero doubt that you’re handling it all. For example, casually ask her what she’d like and place the order for her. This simple gesture signals you’ve got the bill without saying it. Grab the check when it comes. LADIES, if you were bold enough to ask him out, be prepared to foot the entire bill. Fair is fair. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, avoid initiating the date in the first place. You’ve created this opportunity, so own it.
- MEN/WOMEN: Avoid the Ghosts of Relationships Past
Yes, mentioning you’re divorced or have had long-term relationships is common, but don’t turn the entire evening into an ex’s pity party. Keep any talk of past relationships brief and only as a framing device. Don’t dwell on the heartbreak; focus on where you’re headed, not where you’ve been.
- MEN/WOMEN: Discover Their Belief System—Subtly Understanding a person’s belief system is vital if you’re serious about a future together. You don’t need to immediately launch into deep religious or philosophical discussions, but you can drop a light, non-invasive question like, “How do you usually spend your Sundays? At brunch, at church, or catching up on rest?” This invites insight without sounding judgmental or overly intense.
- Ladies, Keep the Makeup Natural; Men, Protect Her Women, ditch the heavy makeup for date number one. Men want a sense of who you are, and most prefer a more natural look. Trust me, 99.9% of men appreciate subtle, well-applied makeup over contouring layers. Men, your job is to show her you’re reliable and protective. Open doors, walk on the side closest to the street and make her feel safe. Some may call this old-fashioned, but showing her you’re mindful of her comfort and safety gives a powerful first impression.
- Be Yourself—and Have Fun.Here’s the truth: authenticity wins. If you can’t be yourself on a first date, that’s a red flag. Don’t be afraid to laugh, be a little silly, and show your lighthearted side. Sure, there will be moments for serious conversations, but the more genuine you are, the more likely you’ll find someone who loves the real you. If you can relax and enjoy the evening, the right person will appreciate you for exactly who you are.
The Bottom Line: It’s About Connection, Not Perfection If you follow these steps, you’ll not only guarantee yourself a second date (or at least a respectful follow-up), but you’ll also weed out the wrong matches early. You don’t need an endless roster of first dates—you need the right person. And that’s about being honest, respectful, and ready.
Now, make that first date one to remember.
About the Author:
Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.
