Fontana, CA — I am often amazed when I hear some women explain their single status almost entirely by citing the shortage of “good men.”

And beneath those complaints is sometimes an unspoken conclusion: If there were simply more emotionally healthy, financially secure, and commitment-minded men available, I’d probably be married by now.

But let’s talk about this.

What if the shortage of “good men” isn’t the whole problem? What if some of what you’re experiencing has less to do with who’s available and more to do with who you choose, whom you reject, what you’re attracted to, what you tolerate, what you expect—and what you still haven’t healed from? That’s a much more uncomfortable but potentially productive conversation.

But let’s acknowledge the reality of today’s dating scene.

Pew Research Center found that about 30% of American adults are single, and only 42% of single Americans said they were actively seeking relationships or dates. Interestingly, single men were more likely than single women to say they were looking, at 50% compared with 35%.

So, the data complicate the popular narrative that men have collectively checked out of relationships. Another Pew study found that 75% of single Americans who were looking said finding people to date was difficult. So yes, your frustration may be legitimate. But frustration and explanation are two different things. While statistics can describe the dating environment, they cannot diagnose your dating life.

Therefore, let’s talk about YOU.

Emotionally healthy people understand something fundamental: Everybody brings something into the relationship.

That includes you. We all carry histories, wounds, assumptions, fears, attachment patterns, and learned behaviors that can become barriers to intimacy. Maybe love in your childhood was inconsistent. Maybe someone you trusted abandoned you. Maybe affection had to be earned. Maybe vulnerability was punished. Those experiences don’t magically disappear just because you became successful. You can have an advanced degree, own property, earn six figures, travel internationally, sit in the C-suite—and still have unresolved wounds that influence whom you choose. Sometimes the adult making the dating decision is still influenced by the wounded child within.

Now let’s look at standards and filters—this might be insightful. Having standards is healthy. But sometimes our filters eliminate potentially compatible people for reasons having very little to do with long-term relationship success.

Some people say they want emotional intimacy yet repeatedly choose emotionally unavailable partners. Some say they want stability but find stable people “boring.” Others define a desirable partner by such a narrow set of criteria, including income, height, education, appearance, occupation and social status, that their dating pool becomes microscopic. Then they blame the pool.

Chemistry matters. Attraction matters. Lifestyle compatibility matters. But none of them automatically tells you whether someone can apologize, communicate during conflict, demonstrate empathy, regulate emotions, practice fidelity, manage money responsibly, or remain present when life gets difficult. And they don’t always come packaged in the person who looks best on paper—or on Instagram.

Now let’s look at dating stats and people. You date one, not the other. You are not dating the dating market. You are dating individuals. When statistics constantly tell us how difficult dating is, psychological scarcity can creep in:

“There are no good men.”

“Everybody is married.”

“All successful men cheat.”

“Men my age only want younger women.”

Once those beliefs become absolute, confirmation bias can take over. You notice every experience that validates the narrative and overlook evidence that contradicts it.

Eventually, you’re no longer simply experiencing the dating market; You’re interpreting it through a script you’ve already decided is true.

Here’s another uncomfortable truth:

Sometimes what we call chemistry is familiarity. And familiarity isn’t always healthy.

If unpredictability characterized love during your formative years, consistency may initially feel boring. If affection had to be earned, freely given affection can feel suspicious. If emotional distance feels familiar, unavailable people can seem exciting.

“He just does something to me.”

Or maybe your nervous system recognizes him. There’s a difference.

This is why therapy, self-reflection, and relationship literacy matter. They help us distinguish between what feels familiar and what is actually healthy.

If you have dated repeatedly for years and every relationship failed because the other person was toxic, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, insecure, intimidated, broke, or incapable of commitment, eventually another question deserves consideration: Why do these people keep gaining access to you?

That isn’t blame. It’s agency.

You didn’t cause another person’s dysfunction. But you are responsible for examining your selection patterns, boundaries, tolerance levels, and decisions.

And men—don’t get comfortable.

Men routinely blame women too: women care only about money; women aren’t feminine anymore; women have unrealistic expectations. Meanwhile, some of those same men have poor communication skills, unresolved trauma, emotional unavailability, financial irresponsibility, and commitment avoidance.

Let’s be accountable and change the question. Because the more I study relationships, the less interested I become in asking:

“Where are all the good men?” OR “Where are all the good women?”

Rather, I’m wondering whether I’m emotionally prepared to recognize, choose, and sustain a healthy relationship when one appears?

Relationship literacy isn’t a silver bullet. You can go to therapy, study attachment theory, read every book, and still make a terrible dating decision. Welcome to being human. But awareness gives you something ignorance doesn’t: the opportunity to interrupt the pattern.

So yes, dating is difficult. There are unhealthy men and unhealthy women. Statistics aren’t always encouraging. But don’t allow statistics to become an alibi.

Challenge your patterns. Reconsider your filters and learn what healthy love looks like.

And keep showing up as healthy, because finding the right person matters.