Fontana, CA — This past week, I had a chance to host a relationship discussion with three couples in front of hundreds of people in the audience. The purpose of the discussion was for the couples to share their insights and secret sauce for having a solid, harmonious relationship and navigating difficult situations that commonly arise with couples. In addition, I asked them to share a bit about their relationship journey.
If you know anything about me, it’s all about being honest during these discussions. What’s the point of discussing the landscape of relationships and exploring critical issues that could make or break a relationship union if in fact we aren’t going to be transparent about what our challenges are and what we often struggle with? So, in true Kerry Neal fashion, I challenged the couples to share a bit about how they met and how they knew their spouse would be the one for them.
I got fascinating responses from two of the three women on the panel.
A bit of background on them both: one is a very successful entrepreneur, and she and her husband are wealthy financially. The other is an accomplished clinical researcher highly placed at a notable nationally ranked cancer research hospital and institute. Although she may not be rich, it’s fair to say that she and her husband aren’t far off from shattering the proverbial seven figure glass ceiling. I bring this up because, as they described their journeys of praying and hoping to meet someone special, their dating experiences were less than memorable. Both women discussed having reasonably high standards as they desired marriage, so they obviously did not want to fill in the blank. Instead, they wanted someone who could similarly match their ambition and values, which I would think is not a lot to ask when considering a life partner.
Well, here we go…
Their dating exploits were comical, disappointing, and many of the men they felt were desirable on the surface were often wannabe pimps in disguise who were out looking for a good time. Some men were willing to commit but frequently struggled with employment, juggling multiple children from multiple women, broke, and some looking for a come-up without bringing much to the table. After some time, both said something different, but strangely enough, they were very similar.
Here’s what they both said…
I got to a point where I stopped expecting men to have my level of ambition, but so many didn’t have a reasonable level of ambition. Some were just satisfied stacking grocery shelves at all weird hours of the night. There is no real drive even to seek to become a shift supervisor. They figured since I had ambition, why should they be ambitious?
It was getting to a point where I thought I was becoming a cat lady! I started lowering my expectations in fear of just not meeting someone. I recognize that I have a world-class occupation and position, so I just figured if they at least worked a job—ANY job—and were willing to be faithful, I would take what I could get!
See what I mean? Well, thank God that they both met great men who are well accomplished. Now, they have been married for at least 20 years. One is a financial planner and multiple franchisee, and the other is a superior court judge. And they are both family men and extremely faithful. Not too bad for a couple of women who were essentially ready to take the McDonald’s guy working on fries!
So, what does this mean for women who are well accomplished and figure you want someone on your level? Is it bougie to want a man making at least what they make financially or exceeding it? Is that too much to ask? And if he doesn’t, is that dating or marrying beneath you? In other words, is it settling?
Well, let’s start with a few things. Let’s figure out what is really important to you. Let’s say you met a man who makes over $300,000 a year just like you. He’s 6’2” and physically fit. Does this make him a good catch?
I will go out on a limb and say no—at least not that fact alone. I’m sure many of you ladies out there have met great guys in terms of their income and height, only to get disappointed, or they are commitment adverse (actually, they probably aren’t commitment-adverse—they probably just don’t want to commit to YOU). But here’s one thing that will work in your favor—the guy likes you and is willing to commit to you, and your values are aligned. How about starting there? Then, let’s figure out how viable they are as a potential marrying person. But it might not be what you think it is regarding being a viable marital partner. In both cases, the women were willing to settle because the outlook for a special guy seemed dubious at best, and they did find their husbands, but they both weren’t the great men they are now 20 years ago (in terms of finances). One husband was bankrupt, divorced, and had all kinds of financial issues! But what she noticed about him is that he was driven—a passion to do something more significant with his life and would not allow his then-current situation to cement him in his then financial rubbles. They are millionaires now. The other spouse was freshly out of law school, trying to pass the bar exam, and was tow back broke. They both now live in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in Los Angeles County, and their daughters are enrolled in very prestigious private schools.
What’s the moral of this story?
Look for character, drive, ambition, and their walk with God, not for height, good looks, and what they currently have in the bank. Most folks are not where they want to be in life when they marry, and those who are will not hesitate to hit you with a prenup in a New York minute to protect themselves from you (imagine that—protecting yourself from a spouse) …we won’t go there, at least not in this article.
At any rate, consider recalibrating your view of what’s a good catch and how you define what is actually settling.
About the Author:
Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.
