Fontana, CA — This message is lovingly—and I mean lovingly—directed at my sisters in the African American community, particularly those 40 and over. If you’re a little younger, pull up a chair, sis, because this might still hit home.
I was recently having one of those late-night text exchanges with an old friend. We’ve known each other for decades, both doing well in our respective fields, with battle scars from past relationships but still standing tall. She’s divorced, has two kids, fit, fabulous, educated, beautiful, and accomplished like many of you. You know the type—the one who checks allthe boxes and then some.
During our conversation, she sent me a video of a brother essentially preaching to the choir about how women should protect their peace and avoid relationships because men “ain’t worth the headache.” You’ve seen these clips—full of sweeping generalizations about how men cheat, lie, waste women’s time, and disturb their peace. The usual suspects.
Her caption under the video? “This is exactly why I stay single.”
Now, hear me clearly: I am not here to dismiss the hard-earned peace that many Black women have cultivated. I understand that peace in this context means freedom from drama, from arguing about nonsense, from emotionally unavailable men, and from financial, emotional, and psychological burdens that far too often fall squarely on our sisters’ shoulders.
But, beloved, let’s unpack this concept of “protecting your peace”—because sometimes, we call peace a fortress built out of fear, disappointment, and exhaustion. And that fortress, while cozy, can also become a prison.
The Peace Tax
Black women, particularly those who are successful, have had to protect their peace not just in relationships but in every space—workplaces, family dynamics, society at large. You’ve been socialized to carry the weight of the world and still look good doing it.
However, when “protecting your peace” becomes synonymous with “I refuse to even try again,” we might be leaning into a trauma response disguised as self-care.
Dr. Thema Bryant, a licensed psychologist, ordained minister, and President of the American Psychological Association, has spoken extensively about this. She says, “Sometimes the boundaries we build to protect us also block the blessings trying to reach us.” If your peace comes at the cost of connection, intimacy, and potential joy, then maybe, just maybe, that’s not peace—that’s avoidance therapy.
The Dating Landscape: It’s Tough, But You Still Gotta Play
Let’s keep it a buck: Dating over 40 in the Black community can feel like trying to order off a menu after the kitchen has closed. As comedian Leslie Jones once quipped, “They need to gather up all the dating apps and merge them into one and call it ‘What’s Left.'”
But is that really the case? Or have we become so hyper-focused on weeding out the “wrong” person that we can’t even recognize the “right enough” person?
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, founder of Therapy for Black Girls, reminds us that “hyper-independence is a trauma response.” Many Black women have built their peace around not needing anyone, but true peace includes vulnerability and connection.
What Can Be Done?
So how do we shift from “I’m protecting my peace” to “I’m protecting my peace and leaving space for love”?
Here are a few suggestions backed by relationship experts, therapists, and a little Black cultural real talk:
- Stop Looking for the Unicorn
That list of non-negotiables you have? Sis, it may be a little too long. Not every man will out-earn you, out-degrees you, and be tall, fine, funny, childless, emotionally available, and live within a 15-mile radius. Focus on the core things that matter—kindness, consistency, emotional intelligence, shared values—and loosen up on the superficial checklist.
- Therapy Ain’t Just for When You’re Broken
Both Dr. Bryant and Dr. Bradford emphasize that therapy is not just for healing from trauma; it’s for understanding your patterns. Are you dismissing good men because you’re expecting them to disappoint you? Are you addicted to the ease of solitude because it feels safer than the messiness of love?
- Give Men Room to Show Up Differently
Every man is not your ex. Every man is not your daddy. Every man is not your girlfriend’s ex-husband who ran off with the secretary. Let people show you who they are without immediately comparing them to the worst-case scenario.
- Social Proof: The “Auntie” Energy Isn’t Enough
Sometimes your circle of girlfriends, God bless them, can unintentionally create an echo chamber of “men ain’t worth it.” Break out of that loop. Get around couples—especially Black couples—who are thriving, imperfect, but still in it together.There are many out there quietly doing the work and making it work.
- Date for Fun, Not Just Forever
Not every date has to lead to marriage. Sometimes, you just need to enjoy a meal, a conversation, or a dance. Practice being in the company of men without the weight of “Is he The One?” on your back.
There is no shade in saying, “I want my peace.” But make sure your peace is not masking your fear. Make sure your solitude is not your sanctuary and your shield.
You deserve love and peace. And sometimes, peace comes after you let somebody in who helps you carry the weight instead of adding to it.
To quote Dr. Bryant again: “Do not confuse peace with loneliness. One is healing, the other is hiding.“
