Fontana, CA — Today’s column is intended for everyone who desires a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, especially if you have trouble finding a suitable candidate. Please continue to read as I frame my thoughts regarding a recent Instagram video post that I watched and listened to.
The woman in the video clip gave reasons why some women will never marry. This was a very interesting discussion, to say the least.
No one holds the proverbial crystal ball to determine anything about your life and what you will ultimately and won’t encounter. That said, she provided a rationale that I felt was reasonably spot on considering the conversations I’ve had with women and what they want and what isn’t available, but the same with some men as well. However, this woman’s IG video strictly dealt with women. Still, for the sake of balance, I will address men and then follow up on my thoughts on women and their pursuit of an exclusive relationship or marriage.
OK—here we go:
Men, some of you SAY you want an exclusive relationship, but much of your actions say the opposite. Here’s why—many men take advantage of the avalanche of available women that they typically have at their fingertips and truly enjoy the perusal process. This means they enjoy entertaining the multiple possibilities so much they never truly focus on one woman. The misleading communication men could drive this have with women, thus giving the impression of being single and unattached but having several women they are considering and dating. However, some women have no problem being in the man’s rotation if they are treated reasonably well—whatever that may be. Whatever it is, the man will remain perpetually single, and when asked why he is still single, his response is typically, I can’t seem to find the right woman for me!
Then there is the guy who wants to get married but can’t seem to find a woman who will be compatible with him.
Ah—this is where the adjustment comes in.
My guy—you may very well be looking for women who are out of your league. And let me clarify because when we often hear that phrase, we infer that the guy is not on the level of the woman he’s pursuing. Well, that does apply here as well. But it also suggests that there are some women that you ideally might see yourself with, but they don’t share that same feeling. Let me give you an example.
Although I was born in North St Louis, raised there, and spent significant time as an adolescent in Flint, Michigan. This city has gone back and forth with Chicago, St Louis, and Detroit for having the highest homicide rate in the nation; it’s possible that by meeting me that you’d never know that or get that impression that I have deep and significant roots in da hood. I’ve been told I don’t give off that look or vibe suggesting that I’m about that life. Some women do prefer a guy who’s a bit rough around the edges or what some might characterize as having that thug appeal. And if I wanted that type of woman, I could guarantee she would not like me. I’m often perceived as way too clean-cut to be seen in that light. Thus, men, be aware of who you are and adjust your wife search to what range of woman you should focus your time on. Not sure? Ask your circle of friends how they perceive you and describe the woman you want. Honest, true friends will give you the real and help you understand how you think you are being perceived and how you are actually being perceived.
Now, ladies…
The adjustment concept is even more true for you. Not all, but many women tend to have blinders on and will look at the landscape of available men and wonder why she’s having such a difficult time attracting Mr. Right.
Look at the dating landscape through the lens of market and appraised value, which I’m sure women often conflate in the dating scene. In a previous column, I spoke at length about the dating Market value, and similar to real estate, it is driven by real-time market conditions and is influenced by what buyers are willing to pay. In contrast, appraised value is a formal estimate driven by and generally based on more objective criteria. Thus, despite what you think you are worthy of and should have in the dating pool, it does not mean that the pool agrees with you. This means that women must have a more accurate sense of what they are bringing to the market of finding a husband and adjust accordingly. An example would be that if you’re a 55-year-old woman who has divorced twice and has two grown children and a grandchild. A young man straight out of medical school at 28 years old probably wouldn’t look your way as a candidate to start a family with. I assume we agree with this example.
But here’s where the rubber meets the road.
Adjustments for women are of the utmost importance after the age of 40. It could be a few years younger, but let’s go with 40. I say 40 because by then, a woman may have her education completed—whether it’s medical school, law school, or graduate school, she’s in her career making good money, traveling the world, owning property, and wearing nice and expensive clothing. Not in every case, but this scenario is common. Nonetheless, despite her advanced age in aspiring to start a new family, she might feel she can pick and choose who she wants based on her level of success. I see and hear this quite often from women. I just wanted to let you know that I can say that in almost every scenario given, 90 percent of women want and feel they deserve that man who falls into that 10 percent category. Over 6 feet tall, educated, in excellent shape, reads poetry, and makes $500,000 a year or more.
Here’s the question—what does that man, who is a ten percenter, want and actually looking for? If the ten-percenter man is around the age of 40 or higher, they often want younger women, amazingly attractive and slim, and willing to respectfully acquiesce to him. The career success may be impressive, but certainly does not necessarily drive her dating market value.
If this is likely the case for you as a woman, please consider obtaining a better sense of what you bring to the table of the dating marketplace and adjust your expectations accordingly. For starters, quality men are typically far more concerned about who you are after 5 PM and not before; this means that while your education and career might be impressive, that may not be what a quality man is ultimately looking for and does not compensate for what he truly wants.
Here’s the first (and only) thing you need to do to make that adjustment: Please stop talking to women about what quality men want and ask the men you think are quality and what they are looking for. Be open and listen; you’ll get all the necessary info.
About the Author:
Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.
