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Dope Dating Advice with Kerry Neal: Finding the Right Fit

Please stop it.


It’s time to see the world differently, especially regarding the opposite sex. And dating.

I’m referring to conversations I hear among peers and social media, where they cast a big giant net in the ocean to try to lump all fish into one category (this is an analogy if you haven’t figured it out).

More specifically, this refers to how both genders often take their limited experiences with the opposite sex within a dating and romantic context to create an established norm. It doesn’t matter how many people you’ve dated lately. Your experiences do not represent whatever a person goes through with the opposite sex. Similarities? Of course. But making blanket statements and sweeping generalizations based on the sample size of your dating encounters does not mean that experience applies to everyone.

Here are a few reasons that you should consider your dating experiences a unique encounter like no other and shouldn’t be compared to what other people experience:

  1. You chose that person. This means that whether you were asked out or initiated the inquiry, you embraced the moment and said yes to the experience. The factors that play a role in accepting and creating the invitation are based on several profoundly limited variables exclusive to you, your past experiences, and your core beliefs. This alone makes you different than everyone, and vice versa.
  2. Not everyone is for everyone. There’s a saying: “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” How often have you heard someone say that they dated several people for years and then they met the “one” that they feel is a perfect fit for one another? So, would you say the people you previously dated are all flawed? Were you flawed? Maybe. Maybe not. But if you ultimately desire one life partner, by the very nature of what you want to achieve in a relationship, you will meet lots of people of the opposite sex that will not be compatible with you. This is not a bad thing—this is what happens when you’re looking for the ONE. Not everyone meets your standard for exclusive commitment, nor would you meet everyone’s requirement for their only.
  3. Statistical trends do not necessarily reflect what you are experiencing. Trends may say that over 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. Do you know what that also means? Just under 50 percent of all marriages are not failing. So, if this is the case, why do we fixate on the marriage failure rate? You know why—I’m glad you asked. Because we CHOOSE to, that may be influenced by our circles in shaping our views about relationships because their relationships have likely failed. There’s another saying: “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” Trust me—someone trying to become a millionaire is not hanging out with folk on government assistance. Think about the sentiment of those you communicate with and have consistent communication with. If they have a negative view of the opposite sex when it comes to dating, you likely do. OR let’s say you find someone that makes you happy. You’ll be met with cynicism about your relationship’s potential success.

Ultimately, the best way to find the best fit for you is found in three ways:

  • Do a therapy checkup. Not saying anything is wrong with you, but check-in. Most of us have some suppressed trauma that plays a role in who we pick for romantic partners.
  • Don’t worry about finding the right person, BE the right person. Be what you want.
  • Time and patience.

About the Author:

Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.

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