Fontana, CA — Collateral Damage typically refers to unintended harm that results from an action. In the dating world, however, it’s a metaphor for the negative consequences of decisions made in the heat of the moment—consequences we often overlook until it’s too late. These choices, especially in the early stages of relationships, can ripple out far beyond what we ever imagined.

I’ve written extensively on many topics over the past decade, sharing personal experiences and reflecting on decisions I regret. But the issue of dating collateral damage holds a unique place in terms of its importance. The decisions we make while dating can have far-reaching, often irreversible effects on our lives—and the lives of others.

Dodging Bullets, But Not Without Scars

I remember a woman I once knew. She was beautiful, smart, and funny. At first, she was elusive—whenever I asked her out, she would find a way to avoid it without ever saying no. Years later, we finally had a chance to connect, and it was everything I had imagined. She was warm and engaging, someone I could easily see myself spending time with.

One day, while hanging out at her place, she asked me a question that caught me off guard: “So, what do you really know about me?” It seemed strange at first, but I soon realized why she asked. After some back-and-forth, she revealed that she was HIV-positive, a consequence of choices she had made in her early twenties. That revelation was a sobering reminder of the hidden risks that can come from dating. It’s easy to think you’re invincible, that bad outcomes happen to other people. But we all make mistakes, and some of them have lasting effects.

While your situation may not be the same as hers, many of us have made poor decisions in our dating lives—decisions that, by sheer luck, didn’t result in long-term damage. Or so we think.

Facing the Consequences

Another situation stands out for me, one that still impacts my life to this day. I had what you could call a causal relationship with a woman who is now the mother of my son. I wasn’t interested in committing to her, but because I knew she had feelings for me, and I took advantage of the situation. My mindset was simple: have fun, feel good, and move on.

But life doesn’t always go according to plan. That relationship resulted in a child, something I wasn’t prepared for at the time. Now, you might say, “Well, having a child isn’t the worst thing in the world.” And you’d be right—my son is a blessing. However, the collateral damage from that one decision has been immense, affecting not just me, but others in my life.

Here’s what happened as a result of that immature and selfish choice:

• I’ve faced overwhelming lawyer and court fees.
• I lost a great job after repeatedly taking time off to deal with court proceedings.
• My wages have been garnished for child support.
• Significant time and resources have been diverted from my other children.
• I had to explain to my children that they were going to have a brother, even though I wasn’t married, which left them confused.
• My discretionary time, once abundant, is now limited, and I find myself stretched thin in all areas of life.
• My children are older now, but they admittedly had struggles in their dating efforts as they reflected on what they saw me go through years ago. They are still in therapy.

As much as I love my son, the ripple effects of that single decision still weigh heavily on me—and it’s impossible to undo what’s been done. I can only move forward, but the collateral damage is a constant reminder of the importance of making better choices.

How to Avoid Collateral Damage in Dating

To prevent others from making similar mistakes, here are a few pieces of advice that I wish I had followed myself:

1. Avoid Recreational Sex. If the person you’re dating isn’t your spouse, it’s wise to set boundaries—physically and emotionally. Sex complicates things, and when it’s done outside the context of a committed, long-term relationship, it often leads to unforeseen consequences. Abstaining from sex until marriage may sound old-fashioned, but it’s one way to safeguard against a host of problems that can arise from casual relationships.
2. Align Your Values and Expectations. It’s important to know what you value in life and in relationships. When dating, focus on whether the person you’re seeing shares those values and has realistic expectations that align with yours. Do they have the same long-term goals? Do they respect the boundaries you’ve set? Too often, people get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and overlook these critical questions.
3. Leave When You Know It’s Not Right. This is one of the hardest, but most important lessons I’ve learned. If you know the person you’re dating isn’t a good fit for your future, walk away. Don’t hang around just because they’re fun or there’s something intriguing about them. Many of us stay in relationships longer than we should, hoping things will change or improve. But this rarely happens, and the longer you stay, the deeper you get entangled in something that’s ultimately not good for you.

Conclusion: Avoiding Regret

Dating, in its essence, is about finding compatibility and building a future. But too often, we make impulsive, short-sighted decisions that result in lasting collateral damage. Whether it’s having children out of wedlock, engaging in casual relationships that turn complicated, or getting involved with people who don’t align with our values, the impact of these decisions can be profound.

I’m not sharing my story to suggest that you’ll always regret your choices. Sometimes, beautiful things come from difficult situations. But my hope is that by reflecting on these lessons, others can avoid the pain and regret that often come from treating dating as a casual, carefree venture. The stakes are higher than we realize, and it’s worth taking the time to make thoughtful, intentional choices that align with the life we want to lead.

About the Author:

Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.