Self-esteem (Noun): a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect and self-worth.
I recall growing up on the north side of St Louis, Missouri, where many of the residents lived below the middle class—which was certainly the case where I lived. In fact, I’d argue most people lived closer to poverty levels than not.
That certainly was the case for our household.
My mother used to say candidly and almost with conviction and certainty: “We are not poor—we PO—we can’t even afford the O-R!” My siblings and I laugh about it today, but she tended to shock us into reality whenever we complained about wanting something or not having enough.
Something that we often complained about was needing more clothes.
I recall getting ready for school and heading to the 4th grade. Everyone got new clothes at our school (seemingly, this was the case), and I’d argue if we ever got something new for the start of the school year. But one day, as I was preparing for the first day of school, I didn’t have socks—or rather, I didn’t have socks that matched. I looked high and low throughout my house, and what do you know? I found two socks that were not exactly a match, but at least a very close game! I felt like I was winning. I secretly washed the socks and tucked them away in preparation for the first day of school. However, I had two older brothers, and they had the same struggles I had—little to no clothes. My next older brother sniffed out my socks and claimed them for himself. We had a big verbal fight in which he ultimately used his brute strength to confiscate my socks. Now, I had no socks for school to wear for the start of school.
I look back on those days, and while I cannot tell you exactly how we navigated those years of lack and disadvantages, somehow, by God’s grace, we made it. Yet, the impact and imprint of living in near poverty would follow me into adulthood—without me really realizing it.
How? I’m glad you asked.
A friend came by my home some time ago, and while taking a brief tour, she said, “Wow, Kerry, you have a lot of clothes!”
That acknowledgment somehow woke me up to what I ultimately discovered was my unaddressed and unhealed trauma that had a massive impact on my view of self. I bought clothes to ensure I always had enough socks, underwear, jeans, shirts, shoes, coats, etc., and then I ensured I was always well-dressed regardless of the occasion. Clothes served two purposes: they gave me a sense of security and showed me that I would never struggle to have enough clothes. The clothes also provided a mask, which I could fit in. People would accept me for how I was perceived according to how well I was dressed and hopefully cover up the reality of being a poor kid who had nothing growing up in a single-parent household. I found myself going places where people with means would shop, dine, or frequent—such as Beverly Hills and other affluent parts of Los Angeles. All the while not having a very high view of myself because I never really addressed that trauma and, frankly, did not understand that it was a thing.
At the outset of this article, I defined self-esteem. But what I discovered, which I believe is a great reminder to us all, is that self-esteem is just another way of saying self-worth.
Please hear this: your choices in anything, but especially who you decide to date or marry, are a direct reflection of your self-esteem. In terms of dating, this is particularly true when you consider that you are not being treated well in the courtship, and yet you hang in there.
In summary, it is essential that you make the clothes and not let the clothes make you. Clothes can impress often and likely get you into certain places and with people based on the optics usually gleaned. However, it is just a matter of time before you remove those proverbial clothes and confront the situation you’ve buried for so long. For me—it was my impoverished upbringing. For you, your self-esteem might be hinged on something different.
Like I always say, It’s an inside job.
At some point, you will need to sit down and address yourself, and hopefully, you will do it before getting into your next relationship and wondering why things never work out.
About the Author:
Kerry Neal is the founder and creator of Urban Birds & Bees, a social change movement and podcast that elevates the discussion regarding Black relationships including dating practices, mate selection, and self-awareness. Originally from Flint, Michigan by way of St. Louis, Kerry facilitates transparent conversations that addresses common misconceptions and belief systems that often govern dating practices in the Black community. Kerry studied Psychology at Cal State Fullerton, Leadership & Management/Organizational Development at University of La Verne, and is completing his Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership at Cal State San Bernardino.
