Dr. Kerry Neal

Fontana, CA — The first two dates were flawless. Good conversation. Shared faith. Similar ambitions. And the kissing? Let’s just say no one was filing a complaint. You were already imagining Sunday brunch and matching Christmas pajamas.

Until you weren’t.

Now the person who seemed heaven-sent has become the subject of a group-chat investigation. Suddenly, everyone has a diagnosis, and your cousin has declared them a narcissist based on three screenshots.

Let’s take a breath.

Dating disappointments hurt, especially when you were hopeful and sincere. But a connection ending doesn’t automatically mean someone fooled you. Sometimes two decent people realize they can’t build the same life. Sometimes someone behaved badly. The work is knowing the difference without turning every disappointment into a prosecution.

Remember: two people were having an experience. While you were assessing them, they were assessing you. Your version deserves compassion, but it may not be the whole story.

Before your next promising connection, consider a few things: everyone has something you can’t see. A beautiful smile, an advanced degree, and a paid-off house tell you some things, but they don’t reveal how someone handles rejection, conflict, disappointment, or emotional closeness. A résumé is not a relationship reference check. People may carry grief, insecurities, or painful experiences they haven’t shared. That doesn’t make them dishonest or unworthy of love. Privacy is not deception, and vulnerability usually requires trust. Nobody owes you their deepest wound before the appetizer arrives.

On Therapy for Black Girls, psychologist Dr. Joy Harden Bradford and therapist Chasity Chandler have explored why vulnerability can be difficult and how it manifests in romantic relationships. Their conversation invites us to consider something beyond “Why won’t you open up?”: how safe does it feel to open up?

For some Black readers, that question may hit home. Being praised as a “strong Black woman” or being taught that a man must never appear weak can make seeking reassurance feel embarrassing. We deserve relationships where strength leaves room for tenderness. We also remain responsible for how we treat people while learning to be vulnerable.

Chemistry needs time to prove compatibility. Two wonderful dates tell you only that you had two wonderful dates. They don’t show how you’ll handle money, parenting, family obligations, or a disagreement when you’re both tired. You can share a church pew and still disagree about nearly everything that happens after the benediction.

Ask meaningful questions. What does commitment mean to you? How do you handle conflict? Do you want children? What did your last relationship teach you about yourself? Then observe whether the answers align with the behavior.

In a Gottman Institute article published by Therapy for Black Girls, healthy relationship qualities include honesty, accountability, and consideration for a partner’s needs. Those qualities require observation over time. A charming answer is easy; dependable behavior takes practice.

Stay curious without negotiating away your boundaries. Listen to understand someone, rather than auditioning them for a role you’ve already written. Their history may explain a reaction. It doesn’t automatically excuse repeated disrespect. For instance, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab’s writing on boundaries cautions against making them depend on another person changing. My application to dating: decide what you will accept based on the relationship in front of you, rather than its imaginary future upgrade. Compassion doesn’t require unlimited access to you. And incompatibility doesn’t require a villain. You can respectfully leave someone who isn’t right for you.

Bring your whole life to the conversation. I recently saw a clip in which a woman asked a man how he felt about dating women with children. He said it wasn’t his preference. When he learned she had two young children, she reassured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about them. But you know, I understood her desire to keep the connection alive. Still, children aren’t fine print. They are part of your life and deserve care and consideration. Having children doesn’t diminish your worth. Someone declining that responsibility doesn’t necessarily diminish theirs. But trying to make a central part of your life sound inconsequential can set both people up for disappointment.

That applies to all of us. Don’t minimize your faith, caregiving responsibilities, or desire for marriage to make them seem easier to choose. Be honest about what partnership with you actually involves.

Finally, give yourself permission to learn. A painful relationship can teach you something without becoming your permanent identity. You’re allowed to grow beyond an old mistake, and so is the next person you meet. Look for evidence of growth rather than demanding a spotless past.

Black love deserves more than another “men versus women” debate. We can discuss hurt without indicting an entire gender, and protect ourselves without assuming everyone is dangerous.

Be hopeful. Pay attention. Keep your dignity when something ends.

The goal is to find someone who can know the real you—and to extend that same honest opportunity to them.