Fontana, CA — It’s the sneaky, underhanded pitched beach ball that men have struck out on since the beginning of time—our inability to control and master our sexual desires continues to be a chronic problem today.
We all have seen the video clip circulating on social media, the news, and other televised platforms showing the man and woman at a Coldplay concert. Andy Byron, CEO of Astronomer and a married man, was caught on the Kiss Cam with another woman—the head of their HR division. As of today, it has been revealed that he has resigned. The collateral damage of his decision to not only cheat on his wife but also her husband (the HR chief) will be a stain on their lives for the foreseeable future. But their story isn’t unique—it just gained more attention than others. The ongoing devastation that follows when we don’t control our sexual desires and discipline ourselves to avoid and manage temptation is severe. And as it relates to dating, especially for those in the Black community, I would argue that it is a significant issue of importance.
The High Cost of Unchecked Sexual Appetite in Black Dating Culture
Sexual desire is not inherently bad—it’s natural, God-given, and can be a powerful way to express love, intimacy, and emotional connection. However, if left unchecked, it can become a self-destructive force. For Black men and women seeking meaningful relationships, especially those aiming for marriage, undisciplined sexual behavior often undermines long-term goals and causes unnecessary emotional and spiritual struggles.
Black relationship therapist and author Dr. Dwayne Buckingham argues that “Sexual discipline is one of the most overlooked aspects of emotional intelligence.” He further states that, “Many Black men and women have not been taught how to manage sexual desire in healthy, goal-oriented ways. Instead, we’re often socialized through music, media, and peer culture to indulge it immediately.” Dr. Buckingham further emphasizes the issue by saying, “In the absence of sexual discipline, emotional manipulation often becomes the currency. People use sex to negotiate attachment, which is dangerous and unsustainable.”
This lack of discipline can worsen existing issues in Black relationships: distrust, broken families, poor communication, and spiritual disconnection. The effects? Ghosting, soul ties, trauma bonding, paternity confusion, STDs, and children born into instability.
As Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, founder of Therapy for Black Girls, notes, “The emotional residue of premature sexual relationships often lingers long after the physical connection ends. And when our bodies outrun our spirits, we’re left feeling disoriented, regretful, and guarded.”
Sexual desire, by itself, is not the problem—it’s the mismanagement of it that causes emotional chaos, broken trust, and often permanent consequences. Particularly in the Black community, where dating and marriage are already strained by social, economic, and generational pressures, lack of sexual discipline can be a deal-breaker not just for individuals, but for communities.
Dr. Alduan Tartt, clinical psychologist and relationship expert, underscores this in his counseling of Black couples and singles:
“When you lead with sex instead of compatibility and values, you short-circuit the discovery process. You might enjoy the physical, but you don’t learn who you’re really with until much later—often when it’s too late.”
That short-circuiting creates a façade of connection where true alignment never existed. And for those seeking marriage, this is not a minor detour—it’s often a relationship death sentence.
Meanwhile, Dr. Thema Bryant, past president of the American Psychological Association and founder of Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole Authentic Self, reminds us that sexual impulses—especially in trauma-laden communities—are often mistaken for connection:
“Many of us confuse chemistry with safety. We feel lit up, but we’re not being loved well. And for many Black women, especially, there’s this narrative that passion must come with pain. It does not.”
Why This Hits Our Community Differently
Let’s be real: the Black community has endured centuries of oversexualization, exploitation, and trauma around intimacy. The residual effects of slavery, mass incarceration, and fatherlessness have warped our collective understanding of what healthy sexual expression looks like.
Black men have been mythologized as sexually dominant but emotionally distant. Black women have been forced to play the “ride-or-die” or the hypersexual seductress. These tropes fuel performance over presence, and lust over love.
Unaddressed, they calcify into relational dysfunction. And the result is what we see: situationships, spiritual disconnection, fatherless homes, and fractured identities.
Controlling your sexual appetite becomes more than a personal virtue—it becomes a political and cultural rebellion. It is saying, “I will not be reduced to a stereotype. I will not let my body write checks my spirit can’t cash.” Breaking these generational patterns requires conscious, communal, and spiritual reorientation. And it starts with naming sexual discipline not as a punishment or religious relic, but as a superpower.
5 Ways to Cultivate Sexual Discipline While Dating
- Get Clear on What You’re Really Pursuing
Many people say they want love but are dating as if they’re after lust. If you want marriage or a long-term relationship, your dating behaviors—including your sexual actions—must match that goal. Ask yourself: “Do my actions reflect my true intention?” Make celibacy or delayed intimacy a deliberate choice, not a fear-driven avoidance. - Acknowledge the Triggers—Then Starve Them
From Instagram reels to after-dark text convos, temptation is everywhere. You must know your personal triggers. As therapist and author Dr. Thema Bryant says, “Your healing requires boundaries.” That may mean not sleeping over, deleting certain apps, or taking a break from media that stirs sexual fantasies. It’s not prudish—it’s purpose-driven. - Build Emotional Intimacy First
Emotional intimacy is a lost art. But when cultivated intentionally, it creates a foundation that sex alone cannot build. Choose conversations over quick hookups. Ask real questions. Develop mental and spiritual compatibility. Remember, sex should amplify connection, not disguise its absence. - Choose Accountability Partners, Not Enablers. Surround yourself with friends and mentors who respect your choice to wait. Often, we overlook bad behaviors or enable the very habits we’re trying to change. A spiritually and emotionally mature accountability partner can guide you back when your flesh tempts you to stray.
- Recognize the Cost of Undisciplined Desire. Every action has a ripple effect. Unplanned pregnancy, soul ties, broken hearts, and reputational damage are real. Discipline is about legacy. Bishop T.D. Jakes once said, “A moment of pleasure can cost you a lifetime of peace.” If that doesn’t sober your perspective, nothing will.
What Happens When You DON’T Control Your Sexual Appetite?
- You Delay Emotional Growth: When sex becomes the focus, deep emotional development often stalls. You never truly “see” each other.
- You Create Attachment Without Alignment: Physical intimacy can create a false sense of compatibility, leading you to stay in relationships you should’ve exited.
- You Invite Unnecessary Pain: Whether it’s betrayal, jealousy, or physical consequences, undisciplined sex often births pain we never planned for.
- You Diminish the Power of Your Yes: When sex is given without discernment, it slowly loses meaning and impact. Saving sex isn’t about purity—it’s about power.
- You Disqualify Potential Spouses: Many people looking for marriage subconsciously disqualify partners who give in too easily. Discipline earns respect.
In the pursuit of love—especially within the Black community—managing your sexual desires is an act of cultural revolution. It is saying, “I will not let my impulses write my story.” It is reclaiming our right to wholeness, to sacred love, and to relationships that stand.
Controlling your sexual appetite while dating is not easy. It’s countercultural. But it is necessary. Whether you’re a man or a woman, divorced or never married, the truth remains: sexual discipline protects your future. And if you don’t master it now, your desire will eventually master you.
