Dr. Kerry Neal

Fontana, CA — Longtime celebrity Claudia Jordan recently went viral on a podcast, where she shared her seemingly regretful decision to delay marriage and starting a family because of her career in modeling, television, and movies, among other platforms that helped expand her public figure status. She made it clear that she thought she could revisit the possibility of marriage later in life so she could continue to soar professionally. It is not uncommon for many to feel that the responsibilities of marriage and family are a hindrance to their career trajectory in Hollywood; not that this is the case, but there is a perception that the more available you are for career opportunities, the less likely you will have time to invest in a family with a spouse and children. Claudia Jordan went on to say that now that she is of a certain age, even a beautiful and successful woman like herself finds it nearly impossible to find a suitable partner. In her own words, she believes all of the “good ones are married”. This is also consistent with another podcast she was on when she went on a rant, exclaiming that she was tired of being by herself, managing her own household duties, and other things that could be shared with a life partner. It was probably supposed to be a jestful rant, but we all know there is truth in humor.

But this isn’t just true for those working in entertainment.

Many careers seem to offer opportunities and pathways for the ambitious—not only in time but also in geography. Being able to relocate from your home base to set up camp in another city, and in some cases, another country, often opens up financial and career possibilities that staying put doesn’t. Many who have soared in their careers will agree with this perspective. They frequently forego family time for these opportunities, or, if they’re married, decide that one spouse will work and the other will manage the home. But the constant moving and adjusting create shifts, and the nomadic existence is often seen as less than ideal when children are involved.

Then, some don’t necessarily have this issue; their employment is stable, their lives are flourishing, and these people have to decide whether they are ready to make the pivot. Maybe they are having way too much fun being single, and it’s not uncommon for some to have heard the commitment horror stories, so they put it off for what some might consider an unreasonable stretch of time.

So, what should you do?

But before I go on, I want to make this clear: I’m not necessarily referring to having complete control over when you will get married, especially for women, since men often are the ones who pursue and propose. I’m more or less referring to when you will switch from casual, recreational dating to a place where you are being intentional, which may include resisting offers to go out and have fun if you are clear that the person inquiring isn’t on the same page as you when it comes to dating and seeking a life partner.

Let’s look at some trends in America and at attitudes about dating for marriage, and let’s also look at what the experts suggest might be the best time to get married—not just in terms of time, but also in terms of what’s going on in your life and the level of maturity necessary to sustain a marital commitment.

When Casual Dating Must End: The Window for Building a Family Is Not Infinite

The conversation about when to stop casual dating is often framed as a matter of preference, lifestyle, or freedom. But the data — and the lived experience in our community — suggest it is also about feasibility, opportunity cost, and biology.

Long-term demographic analysis from organizations such as the Pew Research Center and the U.S. Census Bureau shows that Americans are marrying later than at any point in recorded history. The median age for first marriage now hovers in the early 30s for men and in the late 20s to early 30s for women. For Black Americans, particularly Black women, the delay is often longer because of structural barriers, economic realities, incarceration rates, and a well-documented shortage of “marriageable” Black men — a term sociologists use to describe men with stable incomes, low involvement with the criminal justice system, and readiness for long-term commitment.

What is less discussed is what happens when casual dating extends well into one’s 40s.

The 40+ Reality Check

By the time many men and women reach their early 40s, the dating pool changes dramatically — not just in size, but in intention. People are no longer “finding themselves.” They are often managing divorces, shared custody arrangements, unresolved emotional baggage, health challenges, and career plateaus. The romantic flexibility of the 20s and early 30s gives way to fatigue, caution, and diminished optimism.

For women, the biological realities are unforgiving. Fertility rates decline sharply after age 35 and even more steeply after 40. Medical advances have created options — egg freezing, IVF, and donor conception — but these are costly, emotionally taxing, and not guaranteed. U.S. News & World Report and the American Society for Reproductive Medicine consistently note that success rates for natural conception and assisted reproduction drop precipitously after age 40, even among healthy women.

For men, while fertility technically persists longer, sperm quality also declines with age, and the risks associated with advanced paternal age — including a higher likelihood of autism spectrum disorders and certain genetic conditions — become statistically significant.

The cultural message that “there’s still time” is often delivered without context. There may be time, but the terrain is radically different.

When Fun Becomes Avoidance

One of the most challenging conversations in the Black dating community is about when recreation becomes resistance.

Many Black relationship therapists, including clinicians such as Dr. Thema Bryant and Dr. Monnica Williams, have written extensively about how unresolved trauma, especially from childhood, can manifest as a prolonged avoidance of commitment. In our community, father absence, relational instability, and economic pressure often create adults who crave connection but fear vulnerability.

Casual dating, in this sense, is not merely leisure. It is often a coping strategy.

But the cost of this coping strategy is cumulative. Years pass. Social circles thin. Good partners no longer circulate freely — they are married, co-parenting, or emotionally exhausted.

And then the tone of the questions changes.

The “Good Seed” Phenomenon

This is where my own life offers a sobering, almost surreal illustration.

In my 50s, as the father of children who are now in their early 20s — stable, grounded, thoughtful young adults — I have been approached by multiple women with a proposition that would have been unthinkable two decades ago: would I consider fathering a child with them without a romantic relationship?

These were not casual acquaintances. These were accomplished women — professionals, homeowners, leaders in their own right — who had delayed family building in pursuit of stability, education, and career excellence. They saw my children and described them as “good seed.”

Let that sit for a moment.

The request was not about marriage. It was not about partnership. It was about access to a genetic outcome.

This is not a fringe trend. Increasingly, women — especially Black women — are exploring non-traditional pathways to motherhood: using known donors, co-parenting contracts, and platonic parenting arrangements. These are not born of rebellion but of urgency.

When the traditional pathway feels closed, people begin engineering alternatives.

But these arrangements, while sometimes functional, bypass the relational scaffolding that has historically supported families — shared values, emotional intimacy, spiritual alignment, and mutual sacrifice.

In essence, biology is being separated from covenant.

So, When Should the Shift Happen?

The data and the therapists agree on one thing: there is a critical window — not an age, but a season.

This season is marked by:

• Emotional readiness: the ability to confront personal wounds, communicate needs, and sustain discomfort without running away.
• Lifestyle alignment: careers that have enough stability to allow time, not just money.
• Values clarity: a settled understanding of what kind of family you want, not just what type of partner you desire.

For many, this window opens in the early to mid-30s. That does not mean marriage must occur immediately — but casual dating must end.

That means no longer entertaining people who are “fun but unclear.”
No longer romanticizing potential over practice.
No longer allowing chemistry to substitute for compatibility.

It means dating with discernment — not intensity, not desperation — but direction.

The Cost of Waiting Too Long

The harsh truth is this: the longer you wait, the fewer levers you control.

Your body has a timeline. Your community has a timeline. Your emotional stamina has a timeline.

And when those timelines begin to compress, people begin negotiating outcomes they never wanted — settling, sharing, outsourcing, or engineering family rather than building it.

The tragedy is not that people wait. It is that they wait without intention.

Casual dating is not evil, but indefinite casual dating is avoidance dressed as freedom. And eventually, even freedom comes with a bill.