Fontana, CA — Slim Pickin’s is a phrase I typically associate with Black women and how they describe the dating landscape, particularly the availability of good Black men suitable for a relationship and ultimately marriage.
Let’s define this concept before we go any further. Here’s what ChatGPT had to say:
Definition:
“Slim pickin’s” means there are very few good options available; choices are limited or scarce.
Origin:
The phrase comes from Southern American English, dating back to the early 1900s. “Slim” means thin or small in amount, and “pickings” refers to what can be gathered or selected (such as crops or goods). Farmers and laborers used it to describe poor harvests or scarce resources—literally not much to pick. Over time, it became a figurative expression for any situation with limited choices.
Example sentence:
“I waited too long to book the hotel, so now the rooms are slim pickin’s.”
In everyday use, it simply signals that what’s left to choose from isn’t much or isn’t ideal.
Ok—now back to the article.
I am often amused by this statement, if I’m to be honest. Why? Though the phrase/word-pairing really is another way of suggesting that there are so many quality women available that men are falling all over, and unfortunately for women, the antithesis is the case as it pertains to men, it’s almost a crying shame that so many women have to suffer in the Black community as a result of men just not having their stuff together for a relationship.
Right?
Or wrong?
Have you ever gone to…let’s say a garage sale? The point of having a garage sale is to rid yourself of items you no longer want or need and to get some kind of compensation for them. One reason people love garage sales is that you often find items for sale far beneath their market value—or what they would cost in a commercial setting. Well I had a garage sale once and I had a bike that I was trying to get rid of. And while the bike got a lot of attention, it never sold. But wait—if the bike is attracting a lot of attention and inquiries, why didn’t it sell?
I’m glad you asked.
It didn’t sell because I priced it as if it were at a commercial department store rather than a garage sale. I mean, the price I was asking for it, I could understand potential suitors saying, “Why would I pay that amount for the bike at a garage sale? If I’m going to spend that kind of money, then why would I spend it at a garage sale?”
The point here is that I overinflated the asking price for the bike, so no one bought it. In a similar way, I am clear that many women are doing the same thing, and this may very well affect their slim pickin’s mindset.
Consider this: estimates suggest the divorce rate in the US is around 50 percent, give or take. Although African Americans have the highest divorce rate among ethnic groups at about 41 percent, it is still lower than the national average. Furthermore, while we can’t say exactly why marriages end, here’s what we do know: when Black people marry, they overwhelmingly marry another Black woman, and the statistics are even higher for Black men earning over $100,000 annually who marry Black women.
This means that many Black women are, in fact, getting married and staying married more often than not. So maybe—just maybe—the real issue isn’t a market issue; rather, you’ve likely “priced” yourself out of the market in a variety of ways.
Here are some suggestions from relationship therapists and experts:
First, let’s be clear: dating frustration is real. Many Black women are highly educated, professionally accomplished, spiritually grounded, and emotionally mature. The desire for an equally yoked partner is not unreasonable—it’s healthy.
But healthy standards and inflated expectations are not the same.
And sometimes we confuse the two.
Several respected Black therapists and relationship scholars challenge the “slim pickin’s” narrative.
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist and founder of Therapy for Black Girls, often notes that dating fatigue can distort perception. When we repeatedly experience disappointment, our brains begin to overgeneralize—“There are no good men” becomes easier to believe than “I haven’t met the right one yet.” That cognitive bias turns a few bad experiences into a sweeping indictment of an entire gender.
Dr. Thema Bryant, psychologist and former APA president, frequently speaks about “protective perfectionism”—the idea that some high-achieving women unconsciously use standards as armor. If no one qualifies, no one can hurt you. But protection can quickly become isolation.
And Stephon Labossiere (Stephan Speaks), a well-known relationship coach in the Black community, bluntly states: “Some people aren’t single because there’s no one good available. They’re single because they’re unavailable to the good that’s actually there.”
That hits differently.
Because now we’re not talking about supply.
We’re talking about filters.
Reasons Some Women Experience “Mating Frustration”
Let’s explore a few realities that rarely get discussed openly:
- Overinflated market value
Education, income, and status absolutely matter—but they are not the sole determinants of relationship success.
If a woman insists that a man must earn more, own more, and have more credentials than she does, she drastically shrinks her pool. Statistically, fewer Black men hold advanced degrees or earn six-figure incomes than Black women, whose educational attainment is rising. If you only date “up,” math alone works against you.
Sometimes it’s not slim pickin’s.
It’s selective vision.
- Hypergamy without flexibility
There’s nothing wrong with wanting stability. But when preferences become rigid checklists—height requirements, salary minimums, job titles, social clout—you start dating a résumé instead of a person.
Healthy marriages are built on character: integrity, emotional intelligence, faith, and consistency—not just LinkedIn profiles. - Trauma and mistrust
Historical and personal pain matter. Generational abandonment, infidelity, and father wounds build protective walls.
Dr. Bryant often emphasizes that unresolved trauma shows up as “testing,” overanalyzing, or pushing good men away before intimacy forms. If every man is presumed guilty until proven innocent, connection never has room to grow. - Social comparison culture
Social media has distorted expectations. Everyone looks coupled, wealthy, and perfect. That illusion subtly raises the bar to fantasy levels. Real, everyday, emotionally healthy men begin to look “basic” compared with curated Instagram lifestyles.
But comparison is the thief of contentment—and sometimes partnership.
- Readiness gaps
Many people say they want marriage, but their lives aren’t structured for partnership.
Long work hours, emotional unavailability, unwillingness to compromise, or prioritizing independence over interdependence can quietly sabotage connection.
A relationship requires space.
Some of us say we want love, but schedule our lives as if we don’t.
A Hard Truth (Said with Love)
If so many Black women are marrying Black men—and research consistently shows that Black men who earn higher incomes overwhelmingly marry Black women—then the issue cannot simply be “there are no good men.”
Good men clearly exist.
They are marrying someone.
So, the better question might be:
Am I positioned, prepared, and open to being chosen by the kind of partner I say I want?
Because relationships aren’t auctions.
They’re alignment.
Reframing the Narrative
Instead of “slim pickin’s,” what if the mindset shifted to:
- How can I expand my social circles?
- How can I heal old wounds?
- Where might my standards be fear disguised as preference?
- Am I evaluating character as seriously as credentials?
That’s empowerment.
Blaming an entire group isn’t.
Final Thought
At that garage sale, the bike didn’t sell because buyers were broke.
It didn’t sell because I misread the market.
Sometimes love works the same way.
Not because you aren’t valuable.
But because value only matters when it’s realistic, relational, and reciprocated.
Maybe it’s not slim pickin’s.
Maybe it’s time for honest pricing—and a deeper connection.
