Fontana, CA — So, how much should a man earn annually to be considered eligible to date? Can a man date while unemployed? Or how significant is money when dating?

I’m happy you asked.

First of all, I believe it’s fair to say that in our Westernized culture, being gainfully employed takes on new importance. I would argue that a man’s ability to earn income is directly linked to his overall reputation. Ladies—I get it—you don’t want a brokey brokey.

The Misconception: Gauging a Man by His Wallet

Within the Black community, conversations about dating and money are often charged with both cultural pride and generational pressures. For many women, a man’s financial standing is seen as a proxy for his stability, discipline, or even masculinity. Yet, as therapist Dr. Thema Bryant has noted, “We can’t confuse financial provision with emotional provision. A man who pays the bills but starves your soul is not a healthy partner.”

This misconception often plays out in subtle ways. A man’s car, shoes, or even the restaurants he chooses can be (mis)read as symbols of wealth. But as you rightly pointed out, he might be financing a Nobu dinner with borrowed money, while another man who opts for coffee at Starbucks might be debt-free, disciplined, and intentional with his resources.

Cultural Layers in the Black Community

The obsession with money in dating also stems from historical inequalities. Black men have long faced systemic obstacles to building wealth—such as employment discrimination, redlining, and wage gaps. As Dr. Alduan Tartt, a Black psychologist and relationship coach, states, “Black love cannot thrive if we keep applying standards built on systemic inequities. Wealth should not be the entry ticket to partnership.”

Because of this, many women—consciously or unconsciously—adopt a defensive posture: if he doesn’t “show” money, he may be deemed unworthy. However, the truth is that those signals (designer belts, leased cars, and bottle service) may reveal more about financial instability than stability.

What Gets Overlooked

When the focus is solely on a man’s money-making capacity, women risk overlooking qualities that sustain a relationship long-term:

Consistency – Does he keep his word and follow through?

Vision – Does he have goals beyond tomorrow’s paycheck?

Resourcefulness – Does he know how to stretch, invest, and grow what he has?

Character – Does he lead with integrity, faith, and respect?

As author and coach, Iyanla Vanzant reminds us, “You can’t measure a man’s worth by what he has in his pocket. You measure it by what he carries in his heart, his mind, and his spirit.”

Healthier Ways to Frame the Conversation

Instead of gauging a man by “what he makes,” it’s far more fruitful to ask:

• How does he manage what he has?
• Does he live within his means, plan for the future, and show financial literacy?
• Does he have the emotional capacity to partner through financial highs and lows?

This shift reframes dating from consumerist evaluation to holistic partnership. Money, after all, fluctuates. Jobs change. Businesses grow and fail. But a man’s discipline, faith, resilience, and vision—those are qualities that weather every storm.

Passing Up Good Men

The sad reality is that many women pass up extraordinary men because they don’t flaunt wealth in culturally recognizable ways. A brother working a solid, modest-paying job but building credit, investing in a home, and quietly funding his retirement can often be dismissed for not being “flashy.” Meanwhile, men projecting opulence but drowning in debt receive more attention.

As therapist Dr. George James, who often works with Black couples, has said: “Some of the best husbands are overlooked because they don’t ‘look rich.’ Yet they are the ones who know how to build wealth, protect peace, and grow legacy.”

At its best, Black love is about building community, family, and creating a lasting legacy. Money is part of that, yes. But reducing a man to his wallet is both a disservice to him and a missed opportunity for women seeking true partnership.Dating with wisdom means seeing past the “G-Wagon and rims” to the man’s character, resourcefulness, and vision for life.

Or, to put it in the way our elders might: “Don’t confuse being paid with being prepared.”