Dr. Kerry Neal
Fontana, CA — Wait…what?
You are reading what I know you’re thinking.
What in the world do I mean by The Myth of Not Being Ready?
I mean, no matter what I’m referring to, it raises the question: why would I ever suggest that a person is misjudging their readiness for anything if they don’t believe they’re ready? It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about baking a cake, getting dressed for an event, preparing for a test, or even a championship match. If you know you’re not ready, you’re not ready—pure and simple.
Right?
Well, as you can probably guess, I am referring to something in the sphere of relationships and dating. But still, how can I boldly tell someone that it’s a myth when they say they’re not ready? What gives me the audacity to say such a thing?
It is not uncommon for a man to feel that if he isn’t making a certain amount of money, even if he is dating an amazing woman, he may put off asking for her hand in marriage until he reaches a certain stage of income and savings. Or perhaps a woman is still gathering herself emotionally after a devastating breakup years ago. She hesitates to get back out there and opens herself up to meet someone because, in classic fashion, she’s damned if she is going to get hurt again.
Whatever your hesitation about not taking the next meaningful step in a relationship, if you’re in one, or avoiding it altogether, it might be that you are doing the right thing. But then again, you might be waiting for something that will never be quite settled enough to feel as though you’re ready for the next step.
Consider this example:
One of the busiest freeways in Southern California is the 405. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you drive up and down the freeway at 200 miles per hour for a year straight, back and forth, north and south. Question: After a year, would you be prepared to race in the Indianapolis 500? Does that extensive and laborious preparation process now position you for arguably the most challenging car racing event in the world? I imagine we both agree that it doesn’t.
This example is from Donald Bell, a pastor and long-time relationship expert. He used this analogy to describe that there is a preparation process for any life pivot; much of what we think we need to do is completely achievable in the next phase. According to Bell, there’s no easy way of dealing with danger and the unexpected.
Psychological research consistently shows that people delay commitment for reasons that feel rational but are often emotionally driven.
- Fear of Loss and Identity Disruption
According to attachment theory (Bowlby; Hazan & Shaver), commitment activates fears of losing autonomy, being rejected, or reliving past relational trauma. Commitment requires a partial surrender of control—and for many, control feels safer than intimacy. - Perfectionism Disguised as Prudence
Dr. Brené Brown notes that perfectionism often masquerades as preparation. People convince themselves they are “getting ready” when, in fact, they are avoiding vulnerability. Relationships, by nature, are imperfect laboratories of growth—not finished products. - The Illusion of Readiness Through Stability
Behavioral psychologists highlight the “false finish line” phenomenon: people believe readiness arrives after achieving external milestones (income, title, weight, emotional closure). Those milestones rarely deliver the internal certainty people expect.
When Delay Is Wise vs. When It Becomes Procrastination
Not all delays are unhealthy. The difference lies in direction.
Delay is wise when:
- You are actively healing (therapy, reflection, behavioral change)
- You can articulate specific growth goals with timelines
- Your delay produces increased clarity, not avoidance
- You are not asking someone else to wait indefinitely without transparency
Delay becomes procrastination when:
- The goalposts keep moving (“just one more year”)
- Fear is framed as logic
- You consume relationship content but avoid real action
- You benefit from the relationship while withholding commitment
The “Market Value” Myth (Especially Among Men)
A particularly damaging narrative—often reinforced by social media—is that a man’s relational value peaks only after career dominance or financial success. But here’s the problem: Research from sociologists like Pepper Schwartz shows that while financial stability matters, emotional availability, relational skills, and consistency are stronger predictors of long-term partnership satisfaction.
Men who delay commitment under the belief that they will be “more valuable later” often overlook three realities:
- Relational muscles atrophy without use
Success does not automatically translate into emotional fluency. - Time changes the dating pool
Preferences, tolerance, and relational dynamics evolve—for everyone. - Value is not static or singular
Security without intimacy creates imbalance, not leverage.
How to Tell If You’re Waiting or Hiding
Relationship experts consistently emphasize internal readiness over external milestones.
Ask yourself:
- What specifically am I afraid will happen if I commit?
- Am I growing—or stalling under the guise of growth?
- Would I advise a friend to wait for the same reasons?
- If nothing changed in the next two years, would I regret this delay?
Dr. John Gottman’s research reminds us that commitment is less about certainty and more about willingness: willingness to repair, adapt, and stay emotionally present.
The most profound personal growth rarely occurs once everything is settled. It happens in motion—during uncertainty, partnership, negotiation, and shared risk.
Readiness is not a destination. It is a decision.
At some point, waiting is no longer preparation—it is avoidance disguised as ambition, logic, or self-protection. The myth is that you must arrive fully formed before stepping forward. Life and love do not work that way.
The next phase often prepares you while you are in it.
