Fontana, CA — This article is aimed at a very specific group within today’s dating community: single people of faith who genuinely desire marriage but increasingly find themselves asking, “Lord…how long is this going to take?”

Over the years, I’ve spoken with countless unmarried believers—men and women—but I’ve heard this concern especially often from single Christian women. For some, the question carries an additional layer of urgency. They don’t simply desire husbands; many also desire children, and unlike the church calendar, the biological clock does not postpone its meeting.

Faith can also make dating complicated.

Many devout Christians are trying to date within boundaries that much of contemporary dating culture no longer observes. Some refrain from premarital sex—or at least make a sincere effort to. Others avoid clubs and certain social environments because they don’t believe those spaces are conducive to finding the kind of relationship they want.

I understand those values. In fact, I see very little benefit in introducing sex during what is essentially an evaluation period. Sex has a funny way of making somebody with seven red flags suddenly look like “potential.”

But here’s where I want to challenge my fellow believers.

Waiting on God does not mean sitting still.

God isn’t in heaven frantically reviewing the latest dating statistics, wondering how He’s going to find you a spouse. But God isn’t a genie in a bottle, either. You can’t rub your Bible three times, quote Jeremiah 29:11, close your eyes, and expect Idris Elba—or his saved younger cousin—to appear in the church parking lot.

Faith requires trust. But faith has never required passivity.

And for Black Christians, there is another reality worth acknowledging.

Black Americans remain among America’s most religious populations. About 73% of Black adults identify as Christian, according to recent Pew Research Center data. However, there is a significant gender disparity: in historically Black Protestant churches, about 64% of members are women and only 35% are men. Black women are also more likely than Black men to identify as Christian.

So, when a single Black Christian woman tells me, “There aren’t any men at my church,” she may be exaggerating—but statistically, Sister Girl isn’t completely making this up.

That means believers may need to reimagine what it means to “put yourself out there.”

For instance, expand the territory. Your future spouse does not necessarily attend your church. Visit other churches. Attend Christian conferences, professional events, volunteer activities, alumni gatherings, cultural events, and community organizations. Travel. Accept invitations. Join groups built around things you genuinely enjoy. And yes, consider online dating.

God created the heavens and the earth. I’m certain He can navigate Wi-Fi. The objective isn’t to desperately hunt for a spouse everywhere you go. It’s about building a full, interesting life that creates opportunities to meet interesting people.

Stop confusing “Christian” with compatible

Saying “I love the Lord” is important if faith is central to your life. But that statement tells you almost nothing about whether the two of you can successfully build a marriage. It just simply means it’s a good start.

How does this person communicate when angry? Handle money? Apologize? Manage conflict? Treat people who can’t do anything for them? What do they believe about parenting, sex, gender roles, ambition, family boundaries and finances?

Relationship research from the Gottman Institute consistently emphasizes the importance of couples understanding one another’s values, goals, and vision for life. Shared meaning—not merely attraction—is part of what sustains relationships. So don’t become so excited that somebody knows Scripture that you forget to determine whether they know how to communicate.

Now, while spiritual compatibility matters, remember, so does emotional compatibility. Listen closely to this, as, admittedly, this is the hard part: There is a difference between desiring marriage and believing your life cannot fully begin until someone chooses you.

Your single season isn’t God’s waiting room.

Travel. Build friendships. Serve. Laugh. Heal. Learn. Get financially healthy. Go to therapy if necessary. Develop interests that have absolutely nothing to do with finding somebody. Become someone whose life is already rich enough that a spouse would add to it rather than rescue it. And please don’t allow loneliness to negotiate your standards.

Loneliness will have you calling something “confirmation” that your discernment already identified as foolishness.

And finally, give God room to surprise you!

The person God has for you—if marriage is indeed part of your journey—may not arrive in the package you imagined. They may be older. Younger. Divorced. Have children. Attend another denomination. Live somewhere else. They may not possess every physical characteristic on the list you’ve been carrying around since 1997. Discernment is essential. Rigidity isn’t.

Pray, absolutely. Wait on God, certainly. Maintain your values, without apology. But while you’re waiting, live. Because perhaps the better prayer isn’t simply, “God, when will You send me my person?” Perhaps it’s:

“God, while I’m waiting to meet the person I will love, help me become the person capable of loving them well.”

Now that is a prayer worth waiting for!