Intentional
adjective
- done on purpose; intended.
an intentional insult.
Synonyms:
Planned, designed
Antonyms:
accidental
I understand that you know what the word means. However, there are times when I think it’s worth revisiting some of the basic definitions of the words we use all the time to underscore what we are actually doing and to frame a better understanding of what we hope to achieve.
In this case, especially in dating. Please allow me to explain.
When you are dating intentionally, you will only entertain people who are also dating intentionally, and in this case, those who desire marriage. That means that when asked, their response is clear that they only want to entertain people who also desire marriage. This means individuals who say things like, “Well, maybe one day,” or “I’m just having a good time and see where things go,” or “I don’t want to rush things,” or who make you feel like you’re desperate or overly anxious, probably aren’t the people you should invest your time in. It doesn’t matter how much they meet the checklist you’ve preconceived. While some may pivot and change their minds and get in the program, so to speak, that isn’t a guarantee. This advice is especially true for those of you who are past your child-bearing and rearing years—or who likely have more years behind you than in front of you. With limited years ahead, I imagine you don’t want to mess around with folk who are all over the place when it comes to being exclusively committed.
Trust me—people will waste your time and won’t think twice about it.
Let’s look at what some black relationship experts and researchers have to say about dating with intent and who you should focus your time on:
- Dr. Joy Harden Bradford: Alignment Over Attraction
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, founder of Therapy for Black Girls, consistently emphasizes that chemistry without alignment is a liability, not an asset. In her work and interviews, she reminds us that attraction can open the door, but shared values are what keep people in the room.
Dating with intention means asking early, “Are we headed in the same direction?” rather than “Do we have good vibes?”
If someone is unclear about what they want, emotionally unavailable, or resistant to conversations about commitment, that is not a mystery—it is information.
Intentional dating takeaway:
Focus your time on people who can articulate their values, relationship goals, and emotional capacity without defensiveness or ambiguity.
- Nedra Glover Tawwab: Boundaries Are the Filter
Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and boundaries expert, is clear: boundaries reveal compatibility faster than chemistry ever will.
When you date with intention, boundaries are not ultimatums—they are clarity tools. How someone responds to your boundaries around time, communication, physical intimacy, and emotional labor will tell you everything you need to know.
Someone who minimizes your needs, pushes past your limits, or labels your standards as “too much” is self-selecting out of your future.
Intentional dating takeaway:
Invest in people who respect your boundaries without negotiation, resentment, or guilt-tripping.
- Dr. Thema Bryant: Healing Compatibility Matters
Dr. Thema Bryant, former president of the American Psychological Association, often speaks about healing compatibility—not just shared interests or backgrounds.
Two people can love the same music, food, and culture and still be deeply incompatible if one is committed to healing and growth while the other is committed to avoidance.
Dating with intent requires discernment around questions like:
- How do you handle conflict?
- What have you learned from past relationships?
- Are you actively doing the work, or just talking about it?
Intentional dating takeaway:
Choose partners whose healing journey complements yours, not competes with it or undermines it.
- Black Love Researchers: Consistency Is the Real Romance
Research from institutions such as the Pew Research Center and from scholars studying Black relationships consistently shows that stability, emotional safety, and consistency are key predictors of long-term relational success.
Intentional daters pay less attention to grand gestures and more attention to patterns:
- Do they show up when they say they will?
- Do their words and actions align?
- Are they consistent across stress, celebration, and silence?
Charm is easy. Consistency is costly—and therefore rare.
Intentional dating takeaway:
Spend your time on people who are predictably respectful, emotionally steady, and reliable.
- Licensed Black Therapists in the Dating Space: Ask Better Questions Earlier
Many Black therapists working directly with singles—especially Black women and men navigating modern dating—stress that intentional dating is less about finding the right person and more about asking the right questions early.
Questions like:
- “What does commitment look like to you?”
- “How do you resolve conflict?”
- “What are you currently working on within yourself?”
- “What does partnership mean in your life right now?”
Avoiding these conversations does not protect the connection—it delays the disappointment.
Intentional dating takeaway:
If someone cannot engage in adult conversations early, they are unlikely to sustain an adult relationship later.
The Bottom Line: Intentional Dating Is Self-Respect in Motion
Dating with intent is not about rushing love.
It is about refusing to waste emotional energy on people who are unclear, inconsistent, or incompatible.
Intentional daters understand this truth:
- You do not need access to everyone.
- You do not need to be chosen by everyone.
- You only need alignment with one equally clear person, healed enough to grow, and intentional enough to build.
Time is not neutral in dating.
Every moment spent with the wrong person is time not spent available for the right one.
And intentional dating is how you honor that truth—without apology.
