Fontana, CA — Men, let’s have a serious conversation.
Whether you are in a relationship or not, we must discuss this topic, and in some weird way, this is a day of reckoning. Because, from this day forward, I want every man to maintain some level of dignity as he navigates today’s dating landscape. It’s actually getting quite pathetic.
Pay close attention, because you might think you’re dating these women nowadays, but in reality, you very well may be “trickin.” Let’s define this so we’re all speaking the same language and have the same vantage point.
“Trickin’” in the urban lexicon has a specific sociocultural meaning rooted in street, hip-hop, and Black vernacular contexts. Its core definition holds that when a man spends money, buys gifts, pays bills, or otherwise provides financial resources to a woman primarily to gain her attention, affection, validation, or sexual access—rather than from a place of mutual relationship, commitment, or genuine generosity—he’s trickin’ or a trick. It carries a negative connotation and is clearly transactional.
I knew a guy who would meet women and, upon meeting them, hand over his business card. He was a financial investor, and he wanted women to know that up front. I recall one woman he met—on the first phone call, she asked him if he would pay for her next lace front and mani/pedi. Bro didn’t know her last name.
Before we go any further, I want to make a clear distinction about the use of money when dating. This article does not suggest that you shouldn’t spend any money when you go out. If you ask a woman out, you should absolutely cover the cost of the date. That’s basic courtesy, leadership, and social intelligence.
But covering the date is not the same thing as funding a lifestyle.
Reasonable Financial Responsibilities on a Date
Let’s bring some structure to this so we don’t confuse healthy dating behavior with trickin’.
A reasonable financial role for a man in early dating includes:
- Paying for the meal or activity when you initiate the date
- Planning within your means (coffee, lunch, museum, walk, dinner—doesn’t have to be Mastro’s)
- Being consistent, not extravagant
- Demonstrating generosity without overextension
What it does not include:
- Paying her bills
- Sending random Cash Apps
- Funding beauty maintenance
- Buying designer items for someone you barely know
- Providing emergency money for someone you are not in a relationship with
If you’re financing someone’s life before you’ve built emotional intimacy, shared values, and mutual investment, you are not dating—you are underwriting a stranger.
What the Data Suggests
While the term “trickin’” is culturally specific, the behavior itself has been studied under transactional datingand financial courtship dynamics.
Research in social psychology and relationship economics consistently shows:
- Relationships that begin with financial asymmetry and resource-based attraction have lower long-term stability.
- When one partner’s primary value is monetary, emotional reciprocity decreases.
- Men who lead with money are more likely to report feeling used, resentful, and disconnected over time.
A 2020 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that perceived “financial exchange expectations” in early dating correlated with lower relationship satisfaction and greater power imbalance later in the relationship.
In plain language:
If you buy the relationship, you rent the affection.
Dr. Shanita Brown, a Black psychologist who studies relational dynamics in Black communities, notes that transactional dating often arises from scarcity mindsets and performative masculinity—men feeling they must prove their worth through spending rather than presence.
Relationship therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab has repeatedly emphasized that boundaries are a form of self-respect. When a man gives beyond the level of the relationship, he is not being generous—he is abandoning his own boundary structure.
Dr. Marvin Dunn, who has written extensively on Black social development, frames this behavior within a broader context: economic signaling has historically been used by Black men to counter systemic emasculation. But when that signaling becomes the sole currency of desirability, it distorts the formation of authentic relationships.
In other words, if money becomes your personality, you will attract people who love your money—not you.
Now, let me be very clear about something.
A woman who genuinely likes you—who is emotionally available and relationally healthy—does not require a financial audition.
She is not:
- Sending you her nail invoice
- Hinting about her rent
- Measuring your interest by your spending
Why? Because she desires intimacy, not transactions.
A woman who likes you wants:
- Your time
- Your consistency
- Your conversation
- Your presence
- Your leadership
Not your debit card.
Mutual attraction produces shared investment, not unilateral funding.
Now, here is how men trick for three primary reasons:
- Validation seeking – using money to secure attention
- Scarcity mindset – believing access to women is limited
- Ego performance – wanting to be seen as “that guy”
But attention that is purchased is not attraction—it is customer service.
How to Avoid Trickin’
Here are practical guardrails:
- Date Within a Structured Progression
First date: low to moderate investment
Second date: slightly elevated
Third date: deeper conversation and mutual planning
Investment should follow emotional development, not precede it.
- No Lifestyle Funding Without Commitment
If you are not in an exclusive, defined relationship, you are not responsible for her financial life.
- Watch for Early Financial Requests
Any request for money before a relationship is established is a red flag.
Not a pink flag. A red one.
- Lead with Experience, Not Expense
Shared experiences build connection.
Money builds expectation.
- Maintain Dignity
Your value is not your wallet.
Your value is your character, your consistency, your emotional intelligence, and your purpose.
Final Word
Dating should be a process of mutual discovery, not a financial transaction.
Generosity is noble. Provision in a committed relationship is honorable.
But unreciprocated financial outpouring to secure attention is not leadership—it is self-neglect.
Stop auditioning with your bank account. Start showing up with your standards. Because the right woman doesn’t require payment—she requires presence.
